Understanding Relationship Abuse

To understand relationship abuse, we must recognize that it is more than just physical violence. Domestic violence can happen in different ways, so it’s important to understand the behaviors that define it. Ending the harm and stigma of domestic violence requires a nuanced understanding of what abuse is, as well as examples of healthy relationships. This can help you make the best decisions for yourself or for a loved one.

Warning Signs of Abuse

Recognize the warning signs of abuse

At the start of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will later become abusive. In fact, many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship. The warning signs of abuse don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Yet, every relationship is certainly different, and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. However, one feature shared by most abusive relationships is that the abusive partner tries to establish or gain power and control through many different methods at different moments.

Power and Conrol

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control. At The Hotline, our frame of reference for describing abuse is the Power and Control Wheel created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN. The Power and Control Wheel diagram below assumes she/her pronouns for survivors and he/him pronouns for partners. However, the abusive behavior it details can happen to people of any gender or sexuality.

Moreover, the wheel diagram serves as tactics abusive partners use to keep survivors in a relationship. The inside of the wheel makes up subtle, continual behaviors over time, while the outer ring represents physical and sexual violence. Thus, abusive actions like those depicted in the outer ring reinforce the regular use of other, more subtle methods found in the inner ring.

Why People Abuse Abuse is never okay. Learn why people abuse.

Domestic violence stems from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner’s lives. This is often because they believe their own feelings and needs should be prioritized in the relationship or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.

Tactics of abuse (in any form) are aimed at dismantling equality in the relationship in order to make their partners feel less valuable and undeserving of respect.